Clarke Rose is a Melbourne based sexuality and pleasure coach. Her focus is to help women have better sex and you can book a 1:1 session with her via firstname.lastname@example.org. Her Insta and her blog have heaps of fantastic tips and resources about pleasure, self love, masturbation, orgasms and sensuality. Follow her IG @clarkerosethesexcoach and check out her blog at clarkerose.com
Awhile back I was editing a series of interviews I did on orgasms, and one answer really stood out to me. I asked:
Have you ever faked an orgasm? Can you say why?
Their answer was:
“Yes. I have probably faked hundreds of orgasms. I faked it even when I lost my virginity. I never questioned why I was faking it. I just knew that all the movies I had ever seen with a sex scene depicted a girl screaming in pleasure and having an orgasm during penetrative sex. I knew that it was what I was supposed to do and it always seemed to make my partners happy. So interesting that I had been so conditioned to do it that I didn’t question my lying.”
And I thought wow, that really hit the nail on the damn head.
This piece is for those who actively want to start orgasming during sex. *Note—When I say sex, I refer to the whole act of making love. Including oral, fingering, foreplay, making out, being naked together, anything* If you don’t want to orgasm during sex, and you’re fine with the way you experience pleasure, that’s absolutely okay. An orgasm does not have to occur for the sex to be good, I promise. But I got to a point where my partner was coming every single time, and I was not. And sometimes, if he left the room after sex, I would try to quickly finish myself off before he would come back in; I wanted that release so badly. And then there’s the fact that I read about and study sex and orgasm all day long and hear about all these crazy orgasms, and I could no longer deny that I was craving that for myself, and I no longer wanted to settle for faking it.
PART ONE: Acknowledge that you’re a faker, and commit to breaking the pattern of faking.
The first part of that sentence, acknowledging that you’re a faker— is relatively easy but hugely influential. A lot of us who aren’t orgasming regularly during partnered sex make up little excuses like Well, eventually I’ll unlock my orgasmic potential, when I’m 40, or eventually I will be with the right partner and they’ll make me come, or, even worse but totally relatable, I’m broken. But all of those things are falsities. You orgasms are YOUR responsibility. Your orgasms are waiting for YOU to take control of your own sexual fulfilment.
You may have slept with someone once and they made you come, but that partner may have just been lucky. It wasn’t them, it was just the right time, place and rhythm. Meaning, you can have that orgasm again with someone else. It is your responsibility to know how to have an orgasm during partnered sex, and if you have a vulva, this can sometimes be a bit of a riddle. And this is due to so many different issues (lack of medical studies on female anatomy, lack of sex education, misinformation from porn, bad representation of female pleasure in films and tv, and a general lack of conversation around women’s sexual happiness. But at the end of the day, you have to put in that time self-pleasuring and exploring. Perhaps grab a copy of “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski, or “Vagina” by Naomi Wolf, or “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston. There is a WEALTH of knowledge out there about the female erectile network but it’s not in your school textbooks or even coming out of your doctors’ mouth. It’s in books, written by badass women who have studied something that has been horribly neglected in mainstream research.
So, acknowledge that you’re a faker. Come clean to yourself. Write it in your journal,”I’m a faker. And I refuse to fake it any longer.” Here’s the thing, sometimes we don’t mean to fake it, real sounds of orgasmic pleasure come out, maybe they sound like orgasm, and our partner thinks it was orgasm, and we let them think so, and that’s okay. Again, orgasm is not the end all be all of good sex, and to think of orgasms as such is a limiting sexual mindset.
But, you must not say, “I had an orgasm” if you didn’t. And if you really want to start having those orgasms, you have to go one step further and be honest about if you came or not after the sexual encounter. And that’s the second part of the sentence. The harder part. After partnered sex, or someone giving you oral, or any kind of pleasure, let them know if you came or not. If you didn’t come, why didn’t you? Your partner may ask you, but you should also ask yourself. Did you need the sexual act to be longer? Were you relaxed? Were you comfortable? Was your head clear? Were you worried someone was going to knock on your door? Did you have a stomach ache? Were you not in the mood? MANY things can block orgasm, the main one being, feeling the pressure to orgasm. And that brings us to part two.
PART TWO: In your search for orgasm, you must let go of the need to orgasm.
This sounds crazy, but how I really found my orgasm was learning how to focus and hone in on the pleasure of sex.So in the past, when my partner would go down I would think, “Ah, I’m going to have to fake my orgasm.” Or “This will feel amazing but I won’t come.” And the whole time I was kind of faking certain sounds, creating a performance for the big Fake O that I was already anticipating from the moment sex started. Once I acknowledged that I was a faker and that I wanted to break the pattern, I instead focused on how good it felt to have my pussy licked, without thinking about having to fake it at a certain point. I would really zero in on the sensations of having someone lick my pussy. And I would pay attention strictly to the feeling of the tongue doing work between my legs. I wouldn’t give in to my distracting thoughts but only to my vulva and pleasure. If I caught my mind wondering to other things, I would bring my attention back to my pussy. (Which is why with my clients I often go over a sensate focus exercise in our first session because it teaches them how to focus on one part of their body, and how to deal with intruding thoughts).
In short, forget about orgasm and enjoy the fact that someone is giving you pleasure. If you feel pleasure, you are already winning!
PART THREE: Be honest about what you need!!!
Aside from focusing on the pleasure, you must also be honest. So if you didn’t come, say so. Think back to part one and the reasons that you maybe didn’t come. Because when your partner asks, they are probably worried that they did something wrong. This is not the case. It is not their fault (unless they’re licking you/sucking you for five minutes and not listening to your needs and then getting mad when you don’t come- then it’s partly their fault). But if they tried their hardest and listened to you and the encounter finished, have one of the other reasons ready to supply: “I don’t feel so hot” “My stomach hurts” “I’m distracted” “I was too in my head” “I put pressure on myself” This will lead to a constructive conversation about what you may need to actually come next time!
This is going to sound crazy, but sometimes I fake my first orgasm when my partner is going down. This is because the pressure of coming is then taken away, and my partner keeps going and I can just focus on the pleasure of it, and then I normally come. And sometimes I come again! This is perhaps THE beginners trick to not faking it anymore. It’s not that I necessarily encourage this, but if it helps you to start having ACTUAL orgasms, then I think it’s okay to try this once in awhile. In general, I think my first orgasm (real not faking) normally happens after 10-20 minutes of pussy licking… And then the next one 5-10 minutes after that. I need time to really get lost in it, to know that I have time and that I’m not rushed.
I also started to be honest about what I actually needed to get off. So I tell my partner: Touch the left, now the right, suck, harder, softer, lighter, don’t change it up, I’m going to come, just keep doing that; THIS INFORMATION IS VITAL TO YOUR ORGASM.Don’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader when they’re buried in your genitals. Plus, every single vulva is anatomically different to the next, so even if they were a great lover in the past, they need to learn how to be a great lover to you. And every vulva requires something different. Every person knows what will get them off (and if you don’t, you have to put that work in if you want a partner to get you off).
It can be scary and strange to really ask for what you need, I know. Especially if you’ve been lying/faking/omitting what you like for a long time. But for most partners, you speaking up will be a TURN ON. And probably a much welcome change. Especially if your partner really cares about your pleasure. (and if your partner doesn’t really care about your pleasure, should you be with them?)
PART FOUR: You may not come every time, and that’s okay, don’t beat yourself up about it.
Implementing these steps may not lead you to orgasm tonight, these steps require time and commitment. You may even need some one on one sex and pleasure coaching to tailor these steps to your personal life and relationship. But if you actually do these things, I believe your orgasm will come. And when you find it, CELEBRATE. You can orgasm with a partner!!! That’s amazing and there’s proof you can do it; That’s so fucking huge already.
In my experience, I first orgasmed with my partner, and then I didn’t again for awhile. But I knew it was there, and this immediately took some pressure off myself, which in turn made it easier for me to orgasm. And then I did it again! For awhile I could count my partnered orgasms on my hand. And now, I’ve lost count! It’s absolutely mad, I’m so happy. And no, I don’t come every single time, but I come quite often now, when I follow these steps and techniques. And this step is as important as the others: If you don’t come every time, please be kind, and compassionate with yourself. If you beat yourself up about it, you’ll go back into a pattern of putting pressure on yourself to orgasm, and then your orgasm is going to run for the hills, when really, you want it patiently waiting around the corner; But it’s only going to come out to the right, relaxed environment.
PART FIVE: (optional but very helpful and healing) Come clean about your time faking it.
If you’re with a partner and you’ve been faking it, try coming clean about your past of faking. I suggest doing this once you’ve found your orgasm and you feel confident in how to be orgasmic during partnered sex. (I would say wait until you’ve found your orgasm because it may make this conversation easier and less stressful for you– but again this is a case by case situation, you can always book a session with myself of another sex coach for more tailored advice!) This will probably take a huge weight off your shoulders, and also help hold you accountable for not faking in the future.
I came clean about faking it with my partner, one night after I had two beautiful full body orgasms from him going down on me. I looked at him, warm from an hour of sex play and two orgasms, and I began “I used to say I was coming during partnered sex…” I didn’t even have to finish, “but I wasn’t,” because he knew what I was saying. He looked at me and said, “I know. That just speaks to the pressure women feel to perform. And you probably were feeling pleasure, and you wanted me to not be hurt. I totally get it.” He wasn’t upset at all. I started crying because I realized I loved him so much, and also that I had broken an extremely destructive pattern that some women carry out for their whole lives. And I broke that pattern at 24. HELL YEAH.
It takes a lot of bravery, and a renowned commitment to your sexual pleasure to change these patterns. And maybe I was lucky my partner reacted that way. I’m not sure every person would have the same loving response. If someone reacts angrily, allow some time for them to process what you’ve said. Some people may be hurt that you’ve lied, and some people may take this right in the ego. Give them time and space to process, and make sure to tell them it wasn’t their fault. You’re the one who faked it– but it’s honestly not your fault either! It’s the culture we live in. It’s the movies we see before we’re sexually active that portray women coming after five minutes of no foreplay and penetration. So forgive yourself, too. Love yourself and honour yourself because investing in your pleasure in a world that capitalises off of your unhappiness, is incredibly powerful and life-changing.